Friday, July 20, 2012

I Have Two Middle Names... It's Been That Way For Awhile!

My mom blessed me with Renee as a middle name on February 19, 19-NOYB. Just kidding. It was 1977. The day I was born. Sweet lil' redhead...

As the kid in me grew up and life progressed, I gained a new name, at least mentally. I became Leslie "Worry WART" Einhaus. The last few years the anxiety has overwhelmed me, zig-zagging my mind, working me up feverishly at times. I even had my first panic attack last year. And several since then. The YIKES! moments seem to be adding up! Some of the anxiety could be a side-effect of the multitude of medications I take daily. I hope that could be part of the equation. Fingers crossed. Yoga breath. Yoga breath. YO-GAAAAHHH Breath. Maybe this uneven breathing won't last forever. Inhale. Exhale.

I do have good days free of anxiety (although rare) and other days not so much. This happens mostly on hospital days, on the way to doctor appointments, during an extreme pain day, or when I pick up that RX and its cost rivals that of a boutique designer purse or jewelry. I don't see CCs, I see stars!
(CCs is, of course, Chanel.)

I seem to wear my given middle name well (I do like Renee! Thanks, Mom.) Unfortunately, it's the other one causing all the trouble! When I am out and about -- a true rarity these days -- I run errands, stop by Sonic for happy hour, go grocery shopping, etc. I find the nerves rising quickly, at a moment's notice. I start to feel warm with red splotches erupting across my arms and face. It can go away just as quickly or last for quite a awhile. That's where the Sonic comes in! A cool drink always helps. Nighttime can be the toughest for the worrier. Being tired can bring on the boogeyman & you may never get to sleep! Can anyone relate? Send me your stories at You can also comment below. What about suggestions for nighttime that might help?

I am trying to mentally prepare for my first MRI in over a year-and-a-half and the nerves are getting in gear. Per usual. OK, the nerves started when I found out the MRI got rescheduled to an earlier time. Friday afternoon! Cue the hyperventilation. OK, it's not that bad! I've done this many, many times. The MRIs! More times than Snooki has written and read books. Wait, that's like 4-5... maybe. If she has actually written those books... hmmm... How about as many times as Matt McConaughey has taken his shirt off in movies lately and in Malibu beaches during his off-time. There. That gives you a good picture (Yes, it does!) It also lets you know I am the MRI Queen or at least a contender. I am sure there are other Neurofibromatosis patients (plenty, even!) that have a MRI count just as high as mine. It's so important to stay on top of health concerns and know where the troublesome tumors are and have good physicians by your side. So, with all the experience... why be nervous?

It's the next meeting with the surgeon. What they see on these MRI films later today & Monday will yet again determine my entire future. My life. My dreams. I have already had to make compromises and I don't want to make many more. There I said it & I mean it.

I want to get my current pain issues under control and move on. Can you blame me? I am
ready to find out what is causing this extended pain, numbness, burning, and body aches. And what always, always, ALWAYS comes to the center of my worry focus wheel: I hope I don't have cancer on top of it. Being sprinkled with tumors in my body always raises that lil' pretend TV devil (you know the one, he or she sits on the character's shoulder persuading his/her ideas) that says you have gone this long without getting IT (since 1995) you might get IT this time. I know the fact that my aunt and father passed away from the same condition I have that is known as Neurofibromatosis, just a different variation of it, according to physicians and
scientists. That fear sits with me (the TV devil wagging that red tail, smiling on my shoulder!) reminding me of the scary scenarios. Yet, I know the facts: I am staying up on my
medical appointments and even when I couldn't get MRIs because of having a spinal cord
stimulator implanted, I had CTs scheduled. I have tried to stay as proactive as any worry wart can. Thank goodness worry warts don't get warts! Oh boy! TMI, I know! Sorry.  

The whole reason for this post is that tonight on Pinterest (courtesy of I came
across a #quote poster I had to share & it felt as though it was speaking directly to me! It
was too amazing not to post. **See Below.**

So later today (Friday, July 20) at 1 p.m. Texas time when I ease my way into a sleek scientific tube, go buy an ice cream cone with your kid or a cocktail for yourself, look out a window and take in the natural scene, kiss your significant other and really experience it with all your senses, smile at your child and make up a story with creative details, take a quick walk at work to gather your thoughts, treat yourself to a latte or green tea, visit with a colleague or call an old friend, call Grandma or an aunt... And even if you can't squeeze it in at 1 p.m. make an effort this weekend. Try to do more things that reflect what life is all about. Worry less. Do only more that puts you in the moment. I will try to do the same! Really. I'm going to try to worry LESS! Think happy thoughts. Maybe with more work at it and time, I can go back to just the one middle name. The official one given to me. I like that just fine. Plus, it looks nicer when I sign my name. Ha!

*** Blog readers: Do you have anxiety issues? Would you like to share tips or experiences? I'd love to hear from you.  

©The Healing Redhead

Source: via Leslie on Pinterest


  1. You are such a gifted writer...I love and miss you, Les! You are my SHE-ro! :)

  2. Yes, Leslie I have to remind myself of this verse often.
    And you know what? I think your "second" middle name
    is actually a family name.... I have been called that name moat of my lIfe!
    Love you,
    Aunt Jamie